The Desiderata Valley Gazette: Vol. 1, Issue #1

Snarky is sad this morning, boys and girls. She is sad because she has failed you, dear readers. Try as she might to get the goods on the residents of Desiderata Valley, they were just too adept at keeping their skeletons in the closet. That being said, let's dish.

Desiderata Valley

The stormy weather in Desiderata Valley should have been a clue that my trip here would be bleak. Many of the residents stayed inside because of heavy downpours.

1097 West Leisure Lane - Picaso

Matthew and Jessica Picaso moved into a small home on West Leisure Lane and quickly shooed away the welcome wagon to get started on their family. Jessica's baby bump is a sure indicator that their romp was a success.

250 Main Street - Aspir

Luis Aspir can't stop taking in strays! First he let his son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter move in. Today, he adopted a mutt off the street named Tucker.

250 Main Street - Aspir

I've heard rumors that Luis dabbles in the occult, and now I have proof. Mr. Aspir has been hiding a genie lamp in his attic. His first wish was to resurrect his wife. However, her personality was as gray as her complexion, so Luis sent her back to the afterlife. He then decided to wish for "peace of mind." Luis is getting long in the tooth, so will his remaining wish keep the Grim Reaper at bay?

1055 East Leisure Lane - Jocque

Violet Jocque has a crush on her classmate Jack Kim, but parents Marcel and Sophia don't need to start saving for a wedding. Violet's friends say while the two have a little bit of chemistry, they are definitely not soulmates.

1050 East Leisure Lane - Bell & Wirth

Hannah: Girl, let me tell you, that ballet is paying off. Issac was the bomb last night!

Word to the wise, Hannah, don't brag about your husband's prowess to your very single sister, especially when she lives in your house.

1050 East Leisure Lane - Bell & Wirth

Sharon may not be into commitment, but she's also not a homewrecker. Rather than seeing if her sister's claims about her brother-in-law were true, she decided to find out if John Mole was also the bomb.

And that brings us to the end of this update. I don't even have a final tidbit to leave with you, so I'll be on my way to La Fiesta Tech. If the students there are as boring at the residents in Desiderata Valley, I swear I'm going to spike the punch!

A note from the Editor-In-Chief:
My original plan was to post every Sunday, but I found Desiderata Valley to be extremely boring. As a result, it took me longer to get through this neighborhood. I'm committed to blogging through all of the neighborhoods, so I will persevere!

The Bluewater Village Chronicle: Vol. 1, Issue #1

Good morning, boys and girls. Snarky is back with the latest dish on Bluewater Village. All I can say, is thank Heavens for Denise and Gilbert Jacquet. They saved this article from being a complete snoozefest. Ok, you Bluewater Villagers, listen up. You better get more sneaky and more skanky or Snarky isn't going to bother peeking in your windows anymore.

146 Pebble Drive - Ramirez

Tessa Ramirez got her first A+ and landed a spot in Bluewater Academy. Whoop-de-doo.

32 Eagle Lane - Tinker

Apparently someone replaced the batteries in Wanda Tinker's biological clock, and it's ticking so loudly that even Will Wright* can hear it. Mrs. Tinker wants five more children. Since Wanda and Stephen are in their 40's they decided that adoption would help them expand their family faster. Taylor arrived this morning, and they are expecting another child to arrive tomorrow. If that weren't enough, a third (and possibly fourth) child will be soon be arriving the good old-fashioned way.

*Editor's Note: Thou shalt not invoke thy Creator's name in vain.

Ramirez's Fine Furniture - Ramirez

Despite a poor review, Checo's furniture shop reached Level 2. Checo can give all the thanks to Andrew Pearson, Checo's most loyal customer (seen here making a purchase), who singlehandedly kept the store in business.

223 Idlewild Street - Jacquet

Snarky loves nothing more than seeing the "playa" get played but I must come to Gilbert Jacquet's defense in this case. Gilbert charmed Kendal Seiff to the point that she developed a crush on him. Kendal then offered to set him up on a blind date with her friend Shelby Barrett. Gilbert figured Kendal wasn't really interested in him and was passing him off to her friend, so he accepted the date with Shelby. Well, Miss Kendal immediately got jealous and slapped poor Gil around like a crash test dummy.

Apparently, Kendal was just testing Gilbert to see if his feelings were genuine, and Gil majorly failed the test in her eyes. Kendal, you really have no one to blame but yourself. These silly childish games don't work. If you find you a guy you're into, the last thing you should do is bring your prettier friend around him. Better luck next time, sweetie.

223 Idelwild Street - Jacquet

Denise: Gilbert, dear, if you're going to own a bakery, don't you think you should at least learn how to cook?

J'Adore Bakery - Jacquet

Denise: There's room is this town for only one Atrociously Evil Witch, sister, and you're looking at her.

74 Gondola Way - Landgraab

Well, that's all from Bluewater Village for today (thank goodness). Next I'm off to Desiderata Valley. But before I go, I'll leave you with one last tidbit. Who left a love note in the mailbox of Bluewater's most eligible bachelor?

The Belladonna Cove Observer: Vol. 1, Issue #1

Good morning, boys and girls. Snarky is back with the latest dish on Belladonna Cove. Let me tell you, the Cove-ites have been busy getting busy. I promised you that three bachelors were about to fall, and how hard have they fallen!

But first, my editor has informed me that my column must also celebrate personal milestones, so before I can dish the dirt, I have some lovey-dovey, feel-good items to get out of the way.

#1 Ocean View Apartments - Patel

Ana and Ramir Patel welcomed the arrival of their first child, a bouncing baby boy named Raj. Raj has the distinction of being the first baby born in Belladonna Cove! Enjoy the spotlight while you can, kid, because this is the last time Snarky is going to gush unabashedly about you.

#2 Sentinel Apartments - Riley and Cho

Etsu Cho celebrated her birthday. It has been busy for Little Miss Cho lately. Not only did she gain admittance to Belladona Cove Prep, she also gained a stepmother and stepsister. So much drama for a young one, and Snarky will be there to report it!

#1 Tech Terrace - Baldwin

Marcus Baldwin also celebrated his birthday. I hear that his momma, Isabel, is preggers again. That would make Marcus the middle child, and we all know the drama that a middle child can cause! What's that sound I hear? Sounds like, "Sofia, Sofia, Sofia!"

Editor's Note: The Wrightsville Times Syndicate does not condone shout outs to 70's sitcoms. Please direct all queries to snarky@wrightsvilletimes.com.

108 Bella Park Road - Gere and Green

Chastity: So, Phoebe, I know you're the Infallibly Good Witch and all that, but I gotta know. Is woohoo with magical powers off the chain, or what?

#2 Sentinel Apartments - Riley and Cho

Ex-bachelor #1 is Timothy Riley. After he and Vivian Cho spent eons making up excuses to knock on each other's door (honestly, who really runs out of sugar???), they finally expressed their attraction to each other. And let me tell you, these two are *hot* for each other. I would even go so far as to call them soul mates. Their courtship was brief, they were wed in a private ceremony, and they have quickly settled into domestic tranquility. Viv, congrats on landing your man, but you really should have thought twice before using the can in front of him. A woman must maintain a certain air of mystery.

Londoste - Cordial and Green

Ex-bachelor #2 is Gabriel Green, who fell under the spell of Good Witch Samantha Cordial. I was having dinner at a table next to them when Gabe whipped out this rock. If anyone is looking for a roommate, I hear Chastity Gere will soon be in the market.

Sim Bowl Lanes - Cordial and DeBateau

I was walking past Sim Bowl Lanes when what to my wondering eyes should appear but Kimberly Cordial in the arms of Armand DeBateau. Ms. Cordial is a step up from Armand's last fling, Jessica Peterson, but I'm still shocked to see him slumming it at Sim Bowl Lanes.

Editor's Note: Sim Bowl Lanes is a quality establishment, welcoming a wide variety of clientele, and a proud sponsor of The Wrightsville Times Syndicate. Please visit their ad on page C6.

Freya's Raiments - Cordial

I was buying some cute black pumps at Freya's when I spied Kimberly Cordial trying on a bridal gown. It looks like she and Armand are serious. I'm rushing home to check my mailbox for a wedding invite.

Location Withheld - Name Withheld

Before I go, I'll leave you with one last tidbit. Which Belladonna Cove couple is so desperate to get pregnant that they woohooed in their apartment's communal hot tub? Find out in the next issue of The Belladonna Cove Observer. Meanwhile, I'm off to Bluewater Village to buy some Clorox.