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Welcome, boys and girls. Snarky is back with some very delayed, but still juicy, gossip. You've been waiting long enough, so let's get started.
If you're male and you live in Pleasantview, you're probably having a bad day.
165 Sim Lane - Goth The day started off looking good for Mortimer Goth because he was finally ditching (er, marrying off) his darling daughter Cassandra. Mortimer feared he would not live to see the day that Cassandra rode off into the sunset of marital bliss. And thanks to Don Lothario, Morty will have to live a little bit longer.
165 Sim Lane - Goth The late summer sun did nothing to warm Don Lothario's cold feet. As Cassandra was poised to slip the ring on his finger, Don literally made a run for it, leaving a shocked and embarrassed bride in his wake.
165 Sim Lane - Goth What do you do when your groom leaves you at the altar? If you've dreamed about nothing but marriage and babies your entire life, you have a nervous breakdown! It's a good thing Cassandra's father is rich because there will be therapy bills on top of all those wedding expenses.
165 Sim Lane - Goth Alexander: Maybe you could hide out on Saturn until everyone forgets that Don jilted you.
215 Sim Lane - Pleasant Don't be fooled here. Daniel Pleasant isn't role-playing with his wife. That's Kaylynn, the maid.
215 Sim Lane - Pleasant It looks like Daniel is having a really good day, but all you-know-what is about to break loose. His wife Mary-Sue is outside having a nervous breakdown because she got demoted at work. Little does she know, she's been demoted in the bedroom as well as the boardroom.
215 Sim Lane - Pleasant Angry women seem to follow Daniel wherever he goes. Daniel hopes the slapfest between his twin daughters, Angela and Lilith, will take Mary-Sue's mind off of his own indiscretion. Don't count on it, Dan!
170 Main Street - Caliente Don, you really know how to make an exit. You should have stuck around because I hear the Caliente girls make a killer omelette. Or was that what the late Skip Broke said about his wife Brandi?
55 Woodland Drive - Broke And speaking of Brandi Broke...
Not even the young men of Pleasantview can catch a break today. As soon as Dustin steps off the bus, his mom lays into him about his grades.
55 Woodland Drive - Broke Congratualations to Beau Broke on celebrating his birthday. Beau, you're possibly the only male in Pleasantview to have a decent day, but I will have to deduct points for the pink pajamas.
215 Sim Lane - Pleasant I still have more houses to visit in Pleasantview. Will the men's luck turn around? I guess the look on Cassandra's face shows that the women of Pleasantview haven't had that great of a day either. Cass, if you want to start up a Pleasantview chapter of the She-Woman Man-Hater's Club, just look over your shoulder for your first recruit!
Hello, boys and girls. This is Snarky Sparks, and I just got back from the campus of La Fiesta Tech, where cheerleaders run rampant and mascots attack!
Canyon Commons Klara Vonderstein is not getting in shape for cheerleader tryouts. She simply has no intention of becoming a Freshman Fifteen statistic. Her fellow dormies tell me she's on the exercise bike so much that they are starting to wonder if she's addicted.
Tri-Fuhm Sorority House Pledge season is starting up, and it looks like Blossom Moonbeam is the first prospect at Tri-Fuhm.
116 Aridestra Drive - Shifting Paradymes With Senior Year quickly approaching for Gunnar Rocque, the Shifting Paradymes are starting to audition for his replacement. Will the cow mascot make the band?
134 Aridestra Drive - Worthington Francis J: You're twenty-one? Twenty-one, my [expletive]! How did you get into this party, Tiffany? I know for a fact you're still in high school. Come back, when you're no longer [expletive] jailbait!
Oresha-Hoh-Var Fraternity House No one ever claimed that frat boys were the epitome of good housekeeping. Guy Wrightley pushes the five-second rule to the limit by snagging a slice a pizza off the floor.
Oresha-Hoh-Var Fraternity House La Fiesta Tech barely averted a legal nightmare. Maid Xavier Hurt says that the cow mascot assaulted him with a deadly pillow. The University issued a written apology to Hurt and offered him a "substantial" raise. Mr. Hurt agreed to drop his lawsuit, but the cow was slapped with an order to remain at least 100 feet away from Mr. Hurt.
Oresha-Hoh-Var Fraternity House It looks like the cheerleader also needs to get in on that restraining order.
Well, that's all for this relatively violent edition of The La Fiesta Tech Banner. Pleasantview is up next, so stay tuned!
Snarky is sad this morning, boys and girls. She is sad because she has failed you, dear readers. Try as she might to get the goods on the residents of Desiderata Valley, they were just too adept at keeping their skeletons in the closet. That being said, let's dish.
Desiderata Valley The stormy weather in Desiderata Valley should have been a clue that my trip here would be bleak. Many of the residents stayed inside because of heavy downpours.
1097 West Leisure Lane - Picaso Matthew and Jessica Picaso moved into a small home on West Leisure Lane and quickly shooed away the welcome wagon to get started on their family. Jessica's baby bump is a sure indicator that their romp was a success.
250 Main Street - Aspir Luis Aspir can't stop taking in strays! First he let his son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter move in. Today, he adopted a mutt off the street named Tucker.
250 Main Street - Aspir I've heard rumors that Luis dabbles in the occult, and now I have proof. Mr. Aspir has been hiding a genie lamp in his attic. His first wish was to resurrect his wife. However, her personality was as gray as her complexion, so Luis sent her back to the afterlife. He then decided to wish for "peace of mind." Luis is getting long in the tooth, so will his remaining wish keep the Grim Reaper at bay?
1055 East Leisure Lane - Jocque Violet Jocque has a crush on her classmate Jack Kim, but parents Marcel and Sophia don't need to start saving for a wedding. Violet's friends say while the two have a little bit of chemistry, they are definitely not soulmates.
1050 East Leisure Lane - Bell & Wirth Hannah: Girl, let me tell you, that ballet is paying off. Issac was the bomb last night!
Word to the wise, Hannah, don't brag about your husband's prowess to your very single sister, especially when she lives in your house.
1050 East Leisure Lane - Bell & Wirth Sharon may not be into commitment, but she's also not a homewrecker. Rather than seeing if her sister's claims about her brother-in-law were true, she decided to find out if John Mole was also the bomb.
And that brings us to the end of this update. I don't even have a final tidbit to leave with you, so I'll be on my way to La Fiesta Tech. If the students there are as boring at the residents in Desiderata Valley, I swear I'm going to spike the punch!
A note from the Editor-In-Chief:
My original plan was to post every Sunday, but I found Desiderata Valley to be extremely boring. As a result, it took me longer to get through this neighborhood. I'm committed to blogging through all of the neighborhoods, so I will persevere!
